I decided to break free and actually try my hand at acting, but only because there was a casting call for a movie Johnny would be doing. The add/ announcement online spelled his name wrong. Instead of Johnny Depp, it read, Johnny Deep. Morons. Anyway while hanging out here in L.A. I thought I’d give it a go. I took my golf cart to the set where auditions were to be held. I read that it was a love scene, boudoir so I showed up, ready to go. They even had valet parking which was nice, because I don’t trust my golf cart to anyone. He was super nice about it though.


Once inside, the scene set was fantastic. Large canopy bed, four poster, and brand new sheets, hot pink. This was going to be totally steamy. The director/producer/stand in for the audition and I hit it off immediately. He was pleased with the fact that I was so able to get into character and not afraid to push ahead. I think he has a weird fetish though, he kept saying he was going to love doing this film. Wanted close ups of my ass, which upset me because I thought he needed to focus more on Johnny and give respect to Johnny’s veteran status.

I decided to test out the bed, got on it, jumped on it, got on my hands and knees and rocked a little. I had to make sure this bed wasn’t going to be real squeaky. Can’t have any shine stolen. I mean I know they edit that stuff out, but being a professional I can’t have distractions.

The director and I got down to business and I can’t say he was a good kisser, and the lines fell from his lips flat, but he was standing in for the audition so I gave him a break. He told me he was going to show me what would actually be happening in the scene, and I got my bottom spanked, and was asked to open my mouth as wide as I could. I did as asked. Everyone seemed very pleased. He told me it was in the bag, which meant to me, I got the part. They tried to lube me up too, but I said that wouldn’t even be necessary. I knew it wouldn’t when the scene was actually filmed, I mean…hello Johnny Depp. Don’t think KY is going to be needed. So he handed me an envelope and told me there was a little something in there for me. I got out to the front of the building and my golf cart was waiting. I got in and the guy said no tip was necessary. I opened the envelope and there was my advance for the movie. I was thrilled! Grant was staring back at me! WOW, I was headed somewhere now!

I left the lot and turned the corner too fast, and slid to the other side of the cart. Damn fuckers I told them I didn’t need that shit. So yesterday I got a call I was waiting for, to confirm the part was mine.

Needless to say, I didn’t get the part. They said they went with some girl from Austin. I guess when I told them no girl scenes, it sank my chance.

Better luck next time.

Yours Truly,


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