Audition!

I decided to break free and actually try my hand at acting, but only because there was a casting call for a movie Johnny would be doing. The add/ announcement online spelled his name wrong. Instead of Johnny Depp, it read, Johnny Deep. Morons. Anyway while hanging out here in L.A. I thought I’d give it a go. I took my golf cart to the set where auditions were to be held. I read that it was a love scene, boudoir so I showed up, ready to go. They even had valet parking which was nice, because I don’t trust my golf cart to anyone. He was super nice about it though.

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Once inside, the scene set was fantastic. Large canopy bed, four poster, and brand new sheets, hot pink. This was going to be totally steamy. The director/producer/stand in for the audition and I hit it off immediately. He was pleased with the fact that I was so able to get into character and not afraid to push ahead. I think he has a weird fetish though, he kept saying he was going to love doing this film. Wanted close ups of my ass, which upset me because I thought he needed to focus more on Johnny and give respect to Johnny’s veteran status.

I decided to test out the bed, got on it, jumped on it, got on my hands and knees and rocked a little. I had to make sure this bed wasn’t going to be real squeaky. Can’t have any shine stolen. I mean I know they edit that stuff out, but being a professional I can’t have distractions.

The director and I got down to business and I can’t say he was a good kisser, and the lines fell from his lips flat, but he was standing in for the audition so I gave him a break. He told me he was going to show me what would actually be happening in the scene, and I got my bottom spanked, and was asked to open my mouth as wide as I could. I did as asked. Everyone seemed very pleased. He told me it was in the bag, which meant to me, I got the part. They tried to lube me up too, but I said that wouldn’t even be necessary. I knew it wouldn’t when the scene was actually filmed, I mean…hello Johnny Depp. Don’t think KY is going to be needed. So he handed me an envelope and told me there was a little something in there for me. I got out to the front of the building and my golf cart was waiting. I got in and the guy said no tip was necessary. I opened the envelope and there was my advance for the movie. I was thrilled! Grant was staring back at me! WOW, I was headed somewhere now!

I left the lot and turned the corner too fast, and slid to the other side of the cart. Damn fuckers I told them I didn’t need that shit. So yesterday I got a call I was waiting for, to confirm the part was mine.

Needless to say, I didn’t get the part. They said they went with some girl from Austin. I guess when I told them no girl scenes, it sank my chance.

Better luck next time.

Yours Truly,
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